Philisophical Musings

of an agnostic polyamorous heterosexual artistic soul

Archive for the ‘Just words’ Category

Loneliness – Where is the handbook?

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If you are human, you have known loneliness. Probably many times. As a child, being separated from your mother or father, for even a few minutes, can feel lonely. Going to a Prom Night without a date can feel lonely. Even the fact that you might be in a relationship with another person does not give you a free pass on loneliness.

There is a lot to be said about loneliness, and just trying to find your way out of it can present challenges which only seem to intensify the feelings. I am just becoming an expert in the realization that it is loneliness in my own life that I am fighting. I have a way to go before I could ever hope to shed any wisdom on dealing positively with loneliness. Right now, I am reaching out for any form of help which is within reach…mostly family and friends and what I read on Internet. I might choose to submit myself to more therapy in the near future, but only once I have cleared some of the cobwebs blocking my view.

 

Today, I came across an article, How to be alone, on Salon.com and I liked some of the ideas I read there. For example, Author Judy Ford says:

“We are born alone and die alone, and deep within our souls we live alone. No one else ever abides in our skin. If we haven’t yet come to terms with this ultimate truth, we are scared out of our minds to be alone.”

Further, she suggests some ways of battling loneliness: getting creative, push yourself to try new things, admit your loneliness to others and “getting cozy with the gaps”, those empty spaces between your plans. Ford suggests that “to experience wholeness, first we experience the void”

I have a brother, whom I love greatly, who has always been telling me the same thing: Get used to being alone. Allow yourself to simply “be there” by yourself. Only once you can be comfortable (happy?) alone, can you really be happy in relation to others.

Here is another little group of words which resonated with me: “You need to feel like you can get support and give support”. That comes from the book “The Happiness Project” written by Gretchen Rubin. Her take is a little different, in that she feels strong relationships are essential to happiness in life. Her emphasis isn’t on learning to be happy alone, but rather recognizing what level of social interaction makes you happiest — and it’s different for everyone: “Maybe you don’t have a sweetheart, but being around a lot of other people might make you feel happier even if you wish you had that. I think people sometimes aren’t very aware of how much they need to be around other people.”

It is clear that for me, being around people, or at least one other person, is very a very basic need I have in order to truly be happy, but, I am starting to realize the necessity of learning to also be alone, to accept quiet moments when you only have yourself to talk to. We won’t always have the option to be around other people 24/7…and maybe we don’t really want that. But often it seems this is the default with which many of us are raised; as soon as no one else is around to listen to us or pat us on the back, we freak out and get desperate.

In the last days, I have come to realize (or rather, have had my nose rubbed in the reality) that I am acting desperate. I am terribly lonely. I am stuck in my head. I only talk about myself to others. Poor poor me. And I try to force relationships which normally should grow on their own. It is not easy to come to the realization that you are lonely and that the only person who can get you out of that space is…yourself. But it will have to be done before I can move on to bigger and better things…or relationships.

 

Written by Philoman

January 14, 2013 at 3:00 pm

Bubbles in the surf

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This morning, koggala beach, 6:30 AM after a half hour run, I made an attempt to meditate. I guess the sand fleas put an end to that. I think they must have been attracted to the sweat still on my body. Concentration with my eyes closed was not to be an option. As I stared out at the surf, I lost myself in thought as the waves crested, broke and rolled, expending their short lived bravado until the next wave came to suck them up.

As I was watching, I saw how the crashing of the wave produced an immense amount of foam. What seemed like a white mass of churning water was actually millions of small bubbles of air, ranging in size from the mostly imperceptible to fist size. Millions of invisible air molecules, struggling to break free from a thin film keeping them prisoner, if only momentarily. From so many levels, it is fascinating to think about what is going on here. Where did those molecules of air come from? Were they plucked from the air as the wave crashed in on itself? Or maybe they were released from the water after passing through any number of sea creatures. And where does the power of the waves come from, why does it never stop? How small can a grain of sand become? Is there a limit, or does it simply continue eroding until it is no longer visible to the naked eye?

As I watched the foam being beat out of the water and making its way towards shore, i noticed that although many millions of bubbles began the journey, only a few managed to reach the shore, and of those, even less managed to last long enough to be carried back towards the next crashing wave. And i thought, what if each of those bubbles represented one of us and the journey from crest to shore stood for our lives.

If we mark the shoreline, the farthest point to which a bubble might reach, as the “ideal life”, we will see that most never even reach that point. Of all the millions of bubbles created when the wave first crashes, only a small select group will make it to the shoreline. A few, very few, will actually last long enough to be pulled back out towards sea, only to be met by the next wave arriving at shore.

How much is this just like our lives? Every person has some sort of “ideal life” they hope to fulfill. This could be long life. Or wealth. A large family, lots of grandchildren. I would say that most people the world over see as part of an “ideal life” the ability to get old while staying healthy, and if wealth goes along with that, all the better. But how many ever achieve such results? Probably about the same minority as bubbles which reach the shoreline. There are still many countries in the world where the average age at death remains around 40-60, not exactly a ripe old age in the modern world. Alternatively, in our country, where many do in fact reach a respectable age before dying, they are often not particularly healthy, and more often not terribly happy. And in this sense, their bubble has also burst before reaching the shoreline.

And who is to say which bubble i am, or you are? Fortunately we have little say in that. It is a combination of awareness, hard work and, in the end, luck, to be able to count yourself among those lucky few.

Written by Philoman

December 3, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Posted in Just words

Words to a Woman

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If you never hear it from anyone else, then you heard it from me.

You are a flower, a gift, sweet as the spring breeze. You are as fresh as a summer sun shower. You are beautiful, inside and out. In a world where none is perfect, you come the closest yet.

My pen wants to continue writing, but what is the point? It will all be more of the same. You get the point. I could fill a book with the things that come to mind when I think of you.

Written by Philoman

December 3, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Posted in Just words, Love

For the Love of Pasta!

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I believe I would describe myself as “polyamorous”, and what I mean by that is simply (although it is not simple) that I would choose to live in a complicated web of relationships, were no one relationship has “say” over another. An intermingling and overlapping of friendships without placing restrictions on what is or is not acceptable. Picture if you will a dish of mixed pasta. Each and every piece is made of the same stuff. Some look fancy, some look plain. All taste great (if you love pasta). You might favor one shape over another, but none of them is inherently better than the rest. Each piece of pasta touches or is being touched by another. Some are more intimately intertwined than others. Some may never come into contact with one another. In my “perfect” world, love and relationships should be something like this pasta dish.

But, alas, my world is not perfect and even the world of food is difficult enough so as not to be pleasing to everyone. How much more so relationships?

Written by Philoman

July 27, 2010 at 11:47 am

Posted in Just words, Love, Polyamory

Just words: Your world, My world

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I know it is a lot to expect you to understand my world.
And I suppose it is just as crazy to think I can understand yours.
And yet, I can’t help thinking that, in the end, our worlds are still one and the same.

Written by Philoman

May 4, 2010 at 6:14 pm

Posted in Just words

Just Words: Chai

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Chai

Imprinted on my mind, the image of you is almost tangible.
What we talked about I don’t know, only echos remain.
Sunlight streaming in through the window, you leaning into it unawares,
Like a model attracted to the lights, or a moth to the flame.

It was so short, a kodachrome moment,
and the only camera at hand, my minds eye.
And now it is framed and hanging in my mind,
Amid so many pleasant memories.

Outside the snow is falling, the chill is setting in.
Sitting here alone, sunshine gone, coffee in hand
I find warmth in the thought of you, across from me, sipping your chai.

Is it possible to love the one, yet love another too?
Could it be I can love her and still love you?
Is love, like friendship, a gift to be shared?

Written by Philoman

April 23, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Posted in Just words, Love

Just words: Dragonfly

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You are like a dragonfly, your wings spread in the sun.
Like finely crafted artwork they shimmer and shine.
Strong and majestic, yet fragile and thin
Were that our worlds were the same, yours and mine.
Yet even as I contemplate my move, you fly away never to be seen again.

Written by Philoman

October 20, 2009 at 7:54 pm

Posted in Just words, Love