Philisophical Musings

of an agnostic polyamorous heterosexual artistic soul

Primary & Secondary SO’s? Why?

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Reading through a message on the PolyMono Yahoo group, and this paragraph struck something in me. I know we are human, and we will always have jealousy…we will always compare ourselves to one another. But, being a person who tends to deal ‘well’ with jealousy, I wonder why it has to be so difficult. I am always trying to find the right words to use to explain the way I think, but I am new to this whole world of loving-more-than-one-person-at-the-same-time and I have not yet built up a large enough vocabulary for myself. I still rely a lot on what others have to say.

As far as your hurt in feeling that you are losing your primary status and becoming more equals with L, unfortunately, I can not be much help. I personally, prefer thinking of T as my equal in my Angel’s heart. I never want to be ‘primary’ and have an OSO be ‘secondary’. For me, that would be too painful. I would never want to feel that I am less than someone else. That would be heartbreaking to me. Because I would never want to feel that way, I never want another to feel that way either. I can accept and be content in knowing that my needs are important enough to my Angel that he will always consider them and to his best to fulfill them, just as he does with T. That way I know that he will always continue to do so. If he were to place me above her (who he has been with longer), then I would also know that the day could come when he might place another above me. For me, it is better to know that he will always try his best to make sure that all of his loves are as loved he as he is capable of loving them.

This is the kind of thinking I can appreciate. This is putting yourself in the other persons shoes, which, in relationships, can be a tough job. But it makes so much sense. And it goes for all of us…of course. If I feel I should be more important to my lover than someone else, that I should take some sort of priority over another, then I must also accept the possibility of ending up at the other end of the bargain…namely that the ‘other’ becomes a higher priority over me. And if I then say “well, then I don’t need to be with this person”, what does that say about the type of love you have for your lover? What it really comes down to then is a selfish love: I am not getting what I want out of this relationship.

It is OK to ask yourself if you are getting out of a relationship what you want out of it, and it is good to walk away from it if what you are getting is not enough. But then, you also need to really ask yourself “why was I in this relationship in the first place?”

Personally, I do not like the idea of Primary/Secondary SO’s. No one is above another, and no one is really more important. Certainly, a relationship should not balance on the answer to the question: “Am I as important as the other?” I long to be in relationships where I can assure my SO’s of my love for them, even though they might not, at every moment be sure of it. I wish for partners who choose to be in a relationship with me because…they like being with me.


Written by Philoman

September 28, 2012 at 10:30 pm

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